The same conflict, on a loop
You and someone close keep ending up in the same fight, with different surface content but the same underlying script. You both know how it goes. You both know how it ends. Knowing isn't enough to stop it.
TEAM-CBT for relationship patterns
Therapy for adults working on the relationship patterns they keep ending up in — whether that's with a partner, a parent, an adult child, a colleague, or a long-running family system. Telehealth across California, Connecticut, Maine, Rhode Island, and Vermont, primarily individual sessions with the focus on your side of the dynamic.
No credit card · 15 minutes · Talk directly with Rose
Telehealth therapy across California, Connecticut, Maine, Rhode Island, and Vermont.
Most therapy involves relationships somewhere — they're not a separate topic. That said, when relationship dynamics are the primary thing pulling you into therapy, the work has a particular shape.
You and someone close keep ending up in the same fight, with different surface content but the same underlying script. You both know how it goes. You both know how it ends. Knowing isn't enough to stop it.
In a friendship, family relationship, or partnership, you're consistently the initiator. You notice the imbalance. You've told yourself "I'll wait and see if they reach out" and then waited indefinitely. The dynamic feels both unfair and somehow self-perpetuating.
You don't bring up the things that bother you. You let small annoyances accumulate. You go along with plans you don't want. The relationship feels less and less like one between two real people and more like a careful management of someone else's preferences.
You notice that the same dynamic shows up with multiple people — multiple romantic partners, multiple bosses, multiple friendships. The other people are different; the shape of the relationship is similar. That's usually a signal there's something on your side worth understanding.
A long marriage that quietly became more like roommates. A close friendship that drifted. A parent or sibling you stopped really talking to. Nothing dramatic happened — and that's often more confusing than if something had.
Different sex drives, different communication needs, different appetites for emotional disclosure, different paces around big decisions. Not necessarily a sign the relationship is wrong — usually a sign there's a real conversation that hasn't happened cleanly.
Most of this work happens in individual therapy with you, focused on your side of the relational patterns. Couples work is also available within the licensed states; we discuss the right format on the consult.
Dr. David Burns' Five Secrets of Effective Communication — a core part of TEAM-CBT — is one of the most concrete relational frameworks in CBT, and it integrates with cognitive distortion work in a way that gets specific about how communication breakdowns happen.
Most relationship distress lives in the gap between "what happened" and "the story I told myself about what happened." Tracking specific incidents — what was said, what you felt, what cognitive distortions ran in your head, what you said back — turns the loop into something we can work on, not just process about.
Relationship patterns rarely have a clear villain. The work is partly about understanding why you do what you do (with empathy, not blame) and partly about understanding what the other person might be doing under their own pressure. That doesn't excuse harmful behavior — it just makes the pattern legible enough to actually change.
Long-running relational patterns persist for reasons. Sometimes the pattern protects you from a feared outcome (rejection, abandonment, conflict). Sometimes it preserves an old loyalty. Sometimes it lets you be in the relationship without being fully in it. The Paradoxical Agenda Setting step looks at what the pattern is doing for you, before pushing for change. Pretending the pattern has no function is one of the most reliable ways to fail to change it.
Concrete communication tools developed by Dr. David Burns: disarming technique, empathy (thought + feeling), inquiry, "I feel" statements, stroking. They sound simple. They're difficult to do under pressure, and the difficulty is exactly what we work in session — practicing the moves until they're available to you in actual hard conversations.
Most relational work happens in individual therapy with you. Couples sessions are also available where both partners are physically located in one of the five licensed states.
1
A short conversation about which relationships are bringing you in, whether you're looking for individual or couples work, and what you've already tried. We figure out together if this is the right fit.
2
In the first 1–3 sessions we map the recurring patterns in detail — specific incidents, the cognitive distortions running in your head during them, what your part of the pattern looks like, what stays the same across different people.
3
Subsequent sessions: practicing specific communication tools (often awkwardly, in session, role-playing the actual conversation you need to have), then trying small experiments between sessions and reviewing what happened. Pattern, repeat.
Yes — couples therapy is available, with the requirement that both partners are physically located in one of the five licensed states (CA, CT, ME, RI, VT) at the time of session. Most relational work I do, however, is individual — focused on one person's side of the dynamic. Both formats can be effective; we discuss which fits your situation on the consult call.
Yes, and it's often surprisingly effective. You don't need both people in the room to change a relationship pattern — when one person changes their part of the pattern, the dynamic itself changes. Many clients arrive saying "I just wish my partner would come to therapy." Working your side first sometimes resolves the issue without them ever needing to.
Absolutely — sometimes more effectively. Working on relationship patterns when you're not currently in one means we can examine the patterns from previous relationships without immediate emotional reactivity, and you can experiment with different relational moves in friendships, family, and dating before being in a high-stakes partnership.
They're a set of five communication tools developed by Dr. David Burns: (1) Disarming Technique — finding genuine truth in what the other person is saying; (2) Empathy — reflecting both their thoughts and feelings; (3) Inquiry — asking gentle questions to understand more; (4) "I feel" statements — sharing your own feelings without blame; (5) Stroking — finding what you genuinely admire or appreciate. They sound simple; they're hard under pressure. Most of the work in session is practicing them in the contexts where they're actually difficult.
That might be true. Some relationships are genuinely one-sided, and some have abusive dynamics that aren't about communication patterns. Therapy doesn't require you to take on responsibility you don't have. That said, almost every relationship has more than one moving part, and looking at your own contributions — even if they're smaller than your partner's — is usually where you have actual leverage. Therapy gives you the leverage; what you do with it is your call.
Couples therapy traditionally focuses on the relationship as the unit of treatment — both partners present, working on communication and connection. The TEAM-CBT approach to relational work is closer to "individual therapy that takes relationships seriously" — it can be done with one person, draws on cognitive-distortion work, and uses the Five Secrets as concrete tools. Both approaches have evidence supporting them; they're different paths to similar outcomes for many couples.
All sessions are telehealth. If you live, work, or study in any of these states, we can work together.
Relationship patterns rarely shows up in isolation. These are the patterns that most often run alongside it — and that we may end up working on together.
A 15-minute video call with Rose. We'll talk about what's bringing you in and see if I'm the right fit. No pressure to book sessions afterward.
No credit card · 15 minutes · Talk directly with Rose